I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
