she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
