I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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