THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
