last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Randomize
