Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I licked your asshole in confidence.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
