Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
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