you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
