Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
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