you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
