So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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