You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
