GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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