I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Is it penis luge time yet?
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
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