i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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