forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
