I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
