don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
