every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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