I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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