Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
