dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
