what day is it and did you see me today?
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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