I will die if light touches me.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
