wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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