wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Randomize
