My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
