Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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