He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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