He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
You made out with two different species that night
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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