Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
In America we eat man semen.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Randomize
