You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
