ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
