i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
