I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
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