Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
is it fun? or sober?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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