I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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