checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Randomize
