Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Randomize
