My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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