you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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