walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
