I faked an abortion last night.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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