my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Randomize
