I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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