people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
