I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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