Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Randomize
