I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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