My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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