you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
