Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
